This message was given at the Building Strong
Families Conference held in Dallas, Texas, March 20th
through the 22nd of 2000.
This conference was sponsored by the Council on
Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and Family Life Ministries.
Following the message, there will be information on
how to order additional materials on building a
strong family.
Though I do not endorse his theology or
worldview, there can be no debate that John
Gray, a popular writer several years ago, struck
a chord that resonates within each of us
with his book, Men are from Mars and
Women are from Venus.
Because in that book, what John Gray pointed
out was something that we all intuitively knew
and know to be so, and that is
this, men and women really are different.
We think differently, we see things differently, and
we feel differently in the way that we
process life and the way that we deal
with situations.
And it is not surprising that when we
come to the Scriptures, we discover that we
are indeed different by design.
And as I have noted there in your
notes, Genesis 2, 18 and 21 through 25
make it very clear that we are by
creational mandate different by design.
And yet as you look at the biblical
data, I think there are two areas where
we see that these differences stand out.
One is that we are different by this
biblical pattern.
And secondly, we are also different by personal
needs.
And I want to spend a good bit
of time today talking about how we are
different in the area of our personal needs.
Because many of you are pastors and Bible
teachers, I've given you a significant amount of
material, much more than I would be able
to cover during this one session together, but
some things that you will hopefully be able
to use as you do expeditional biblical analysis
of marriage and the assignment of men and
the assignment of women as husbands and wives
and fathers and mothers.
And I've given you a number of outlines.
Just quickly noting on the second page that
if you choose to approach this in a
biblically topical way, you can talk about the
fact that the Scriptures admonish a husband and
father to love and lead, to labor and
learn.
That a Christian wife and mother is admonished
to submit, support, stabilize, and socialize.
Now, if I could boil that down more
simply, Now, I put this up here on
the board because I do think that the
Ephesians 5 passage is the classic and foundational
text for which I would want to develop
an understanding of the roles of men and
women.
And also, even there, recognizing subtly some of
the differences that Scripture develops, not just in
that text, but in others.
I think you can take these fourfold assignments
and boil them down into two.
God calls husbands to love their wives and
to know their wives.
And that is the twofold biblical theological mandate
that God gives a man.
It gives a husband.
He is to love her and he is
to know her.
A wife, on the other hand, is admonished
by God both to follow her husband and
to respect her husband.
And again, if one looks at the Ephesians
passage, you notice that those things are naturally
drawn out from those particular passages.
In fact, if you just walk on through
the handout for a moment, so that I
get where I want to spend most of
my time, I've given you an outline study
from 1 Corinthians 7, Single or Married, What
Does the Bible Say?
And Paul has wonderful words of advice in
the first 11 verses of 1 Corinthians 7.
He also has the next outline on Guidelines
for Spiritually Mixed Marriages.
Paul gives us some insight that's very complimentary
to the same teaching that you find in
1 Peter 3 by the Apostle Peter as
to how it is that a believer would
respond in a marriage relationship where they find
themselves married to an unbeliever.
I've also included the next page, an outline
on 1 Corinthians 11, 2-16, which is
a verse-by-verse exegetical analysis of what
the Bible says in that particular text about
the role of women in the church.
And then going to the classic passage in
Ephesians 5, you see there being filled with
the Holy Spirit, Part 1 would be one
possible way of analyzing that.
And you'll note that three things accrue when
believers are filled with the Spirit.
They praise their God, wives respect their husbands,
and husbands love their wives.
And I developed the fact that the word
love occurs five times in verses 25-33,
and there are various aspects of the kind
of love that a man is to have
for his wife that Paul develops in some
detail there.
And then on the next page, being filled
with the Holy Spirit, Part 2, I show
you how one might approach the teaching assignment
of children obeying their parents and parents encouraging
their children.
And then the next outline, which is moving
toward the last three, you can take the
Ephesians passage, if you want some time, and
make it more concise and simply take it
from its twin parallel text in Colossians 3,
18-21, where there Paul does in four
verses what he does in over 15 verses
in Ephesians 5, 22-6, 4.
There you have a very straightforward job assignment,
a role assignment to husbands, wives, parents, and
children.
I like to often point out that though
there are only four verses, there are five
imperatives that are found in those four verses,
and the one person who got two was
the husband, which was not surprising to me.
And there is also one given to the
wife, one to parents, and one to children
as well.
Again, if you find the need to develop
the issue of role assignments of men and
women in the church, the next page gives
you an outline from Titus 2, verses 1
-8, which talks about God's assignment for older
men, older women, younger women, and younger men.
And then finally, a passage that is very
crucial in many of our churches as we
are active in evangelism, seeing people come to
faith in Christ, and then a spouse finds
themselves in a situation where their partner is
an unbeliever, 1 Peter 3, 1-7 does
provide some wonderful counsel as to how it
is we would try to approach our spouse
in bringing them to faith in the Lord
Jesus Christ.
And so there are a number of texts
that we could analyze as we are thinking
about talking about the assignment that God gives
men and women in marriage.
And even as you analyze those texts, you
begin to suddenly pick up some insights into
their differences.
And so again, the differences begin in one
sense with what God's expectation is.
Husband, love your wives, know your wives, follow
your husband, respect your husband.
That then brings us to the section in
your notes where you see, at the top
of the page, seven basic needs of a
woman.
If I am teaching this material because I
am committed to a biblical exposition approach, what
I am going to do is expound Ephesians
5, 25-33, verse by verse, phrase by
phrase, word by word.
Then having done that, I will step back
with my congregation and say, now, how would
we work this out practically in life?
In other words, gentlemen, if God has called
you to love your wife, as Christ loved
the church, and God has called you to
know your wife, 1 Peter 3-7, how
has God put her together?
What is this wonderful creature called woman like
when you look at both what the Bible
has to say, and even from some legitimate
studies within the arena of psychology and relationships?
Well, on this particular page, I have listed
for you what I have called seven basic
needs of a woman.
This is not to say that this list
is exhaustive, though I will say to you,
in having the joy of doing marriage conferences
now for over 12 years, I've never had
a woman disagree with this list, not even
one time.
The list is somewhat similar to some studies
that were done by Dr. Willard Harley, in
his very fine book, His Needs, Her Needs,
How to Have an Affair-Proof Marriage.
I know simply because of my experience as
a husband, as a pastor, now as a
professor in a school of theology.
I teach at Southern Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky,
and work with husbands and wives who are
going into ministry.
I think that there are a couple of
other things that are very apparent, both biblically
and just personally, as I try to understand
how it is that God has put a
woman together.
I would not fight you over this, but
I personally believe that this list is also
correctly prioritized, so that you're moving from the
most important need in the life of a
woman to that which is of less importance,
so all of them are crucial and significant.
I want to point out, before we move
into examining this list, that men must confess
that we have not always done a very
good job in meeting the needs of our
wives.
In fact, Time Magazine, on February 14, 1994,
ran as its cover story, The Body of
a Man with the Head of a Pig.
And the title of that particular magazine was,
at the top, Are Men Really That Bad?
And in that particular article, they kind of
set forth as typical American males, people like
Burt Reynolds, Senator Hatfield, or Packwood, excuse me,
Mike Tyson, Donald Trump, and Joey Buttafuoco.
And they said, here they are, in all
of their infamy, the typical American male.
And indeed, we must confess that some men,
because of the fact that they are insensitive,
have not been very good at meeting the
basic needs of their wives.
And some men, more out of ignorance, have
not been very good at meeting the basic
needs of their wives.
They would like to, but they don't know
what they are.
And so I want to very quickly make
some comments about how it is that I
believe God has wired a woman.
Number one, I do believe the most basic
need that a Christian woman has is the
need for her husband to be a spiritual
leader.
She is looking for her husband to be
a man of God.
Someone who is courageous.
Someone who lives by certain convictions and commitments.
Now guys, those are all strong words.
Courage, conviction, commitment.
But you'll notice in that first sentence, the
next two words are compassion and character.
Those are more gentle words.
And I would want us to understand that
being a very strong, masculine male, and also
being someone gentle, is not mutually exclusive.
You can be both gentle and strong at
the same time.
And there's no reason that all of that
cannot be wrapped up together in the person
of a godly man.
And so your wife is looking for someone
who knows the Lord, who loves the Lord,
who obeys the Lord.
And one of the things I would want
to say to us who are pastors, sometimes
men make the mistake of thinking, well, I'm
just not very studious.
I'm not very much wired and geared toward
in-depth study.
I could never be, you know, a theologian.
And therefore, I could never be a man
of God.
What we have to help men understand is,
it's not what is up here that is
important.
It is what is here that is important.
Now, I'm not negating this.
But the fact of the matter is this.
In my own life, the man that influenced
me more for good when it comes to
the things of God was a man with
a ninth grade education who was a steel
construction worker.
But he loved the Lord.
He taught me how to share my faith.
He taught me how to pray.
He taught me how to begin a systematic
study of the Word of God.
And I've had the joy of sitting under
some wonderful persons.
Dr. Paige Patterson is my father in the
ministry, preached my ordination, was my preaching professor.
I learned a ton from him.
But no one impacted my life more than
this layman with a ninth grade education who
was a steel construction worker.
But he was a great man of God
because he loved God.
And if you have that kind of heart,
then you can be a spiritual leader in
your home.
The educational level that you achieve will be
irrelevant.
Secondly, your wife has the need for personal
affirmation.
And really, the operative word here is appreciation.
I say there, he openly commends her in
the presence of others as a marvelous mate,
friend, and lover and companion.
And she feels that to him no one
is more important in this world.
I like to say it this way.
Most men appreciate their wives.
But that is not the issue.
The issue is does your wife feel appreciated?
Several years ago, I was invited to speak
at a church.
And a lady went to the trouble of
tracking my address down and writing me this
card before I ever showed up to speak
at that church.
It's anonymous, so I do not even know
who wrote it.
But I want you to listen to what
she wrote to me.
Dear Dr. Rankin, I hope you received my
card before the marriage conference at our church.
I recently married a member of our church.
He will be attending the seminar.
This past Valentine's Day, he did not acknowledge
that romantic holiday, and I was very hurt.
I watched as my co-workers received flowers.
To make things worse, he joked about it
in front of one of my friends.
My mom told me that I should have
known what to expect since he never gave
me flowers while we were dating.
This may sound selfish and petty on my
part.
I'm just so discouraged.
After I come home from my job, I
do the housework and I cook and shop.
I wouldn't mind so much if he would
just occasionally show his appreciation.
The only time he has ever given me
a gift is on my birthday and Christmas.
It would mean so much to me if
just once he would give me something just
because he loves me.
I exercise and I try to look nice.
I iron his clothes and I cook his
favorite meals.
He has thousands of dollars to invest in
the stock market, but he has never spent
one dollar on a romantic gift for me.
I know flowers will eventually wilt, but they're
so beautiful.
I'm afraid my love will eventually wilt.
Will you pray for me?
Now, folks, I'm willing to wager that that
husband does love and does appreciate his wife.
But that's not the issue.
The issue is by the things he says
and the things he does.
Does she feel appreciated?
And the overwhelming answer is no, she doesn't.
I was speaking at a church one time
and I shared this principle.
And I said, you know what, guys, for
example, one of the things you can do
is just pick up the phone in the
middle of the day, call your wife and
see how she's doing.
Don't call and ask her what's for dinner.
Don't call and ask her what came in
the mail.
You just call and say, honey, I was
just thinking about you and I want to
see how your day is going.
So the next night, this really pretty young
lady came up to me.
She said, Dr. Akin, my husband listened to
you last night.
I said, well, he did.
She said, oh, he sure did.
We've been married for seven years.
My husband has never called me from work
even one time.
But today he called me five times.
Well, at first I was so proud of
myself thinking, well, here I am doing these
family conferences and I have succeeded well.
But then a terrifying thought entered my mind
as God humbled me.
And I looked at him and I said,
can I ask you a question?
What did he say?
I mean, think about it.
You haven't thought of anything to say in
seven years.
What are you going to say five times
in one day?
And sure enough, every conversation lasted less than
a minute.
And it was pretty much to be boiled
down to, honey, it's me.
I was thinking about you.
I love you.
I hope you're having a good day.
Goodbye.
And he hung up the phone five times.
Well, I looked at her then and I
said, well, goodness, I'm so sorry it didn't
work out.
And here's what she said.
She said, oh, no.
It was wonderful.
Just the fact that he thought to call.
That just means everything.
He then said, we can work on the
words later.
But if he doesn't call, we don't even
have anything to work on.
And so they have a very great need
for appreciation.
Number three, your wife has a need for
personal affection and romance.
And I'll simply say this quickly just because
of time.
Most men have no idea what romance is
from a woman's perspective.
In fact, behind this page, I've given you
two pages of suggestions that women give.
I'm so glad they did because most of
us are not as males wired to understand
what romance is from a female perspective.
For a man, romance means sex.
But for a woman, it can mean a
thousand and one different things.
I discovered this the hard way.
And my wife is here this afternoon and
has given me permission to share any of
the things I share about our own relationship.
We've been married for about 10 years and
we were living in Dallas.
And at that time, I was teaching at
a Bible college.
And because I was trying to keep up
on things, I was doing a good bit
of reading at that time.
Even though I teach theology, I was reading
in the area of marriage and family, secular,
spiritual sources.
And it did not matter what I read.
All of the books said again and again
and again, women need romance, women need romance,
women need romance.
Well, best I could tell, I had a
pretty happy wife.
So, I came home one day and I
walked into the kitchen and I said, Charlotte,
let me ask you a question.
Am I romantic?
Now, folks, she yanked her head around so
quickly.
I am amazed to this day that she
did not permanently damage her neck.
And she had a look in her eye
that I had really never seen before.
But I knew it was not going to
be a good answer that I would receive.
And so, she said, well, now that you
ask after 10 years of marriage, let me
begin by saying I do love you.
Now, that's bad.
I mean, this is one time that I
love you is not something you're looking for.
You know what she's doing?
She's prefacing the slam dunk.
And so, she says, I do love you.
And I could not imagine being married to
anybody else.
And I want you to know you're a
great daddy to our four sons.
But now that you ask, no, you're not
romantic.
I don't think you would recognize romance if
it bit you on the leg or slapped
you in the face.
So, having the typical male response, my ego
badly bruised, I said, well, I've been reading
about this stuff lately and it says you
need it.
And she said, well, I'd love to have
it.
And I said, well, I'm going to see
what I can do about doing better and
maybe giving it to you.
And she said, well, the fact that you're
going to try, I actually find romantic.
So, I said, well, all right, mate, we're
off to a good start here.
Now, this story is not embellished one witch.
She's sitting right against the wall, right in
the middle.
You can ask her.
This is the gospel truth.
It was a Friday night.
We were living in Dallas.
I thought it was time to be romantic.
So, I came up behind my wife and
I began to massage her back and neck.
I thought that was a very romantic thing
to do.
She turned around and said, why don't you
go and leave me alone?
Quit bothering me.
I said, well, honey, I thought that was
romantic.
She said, no, it's not romantic now.
It won't be romantic later either.
I knew what that meant, too.
So, I went to bed early that night
by myself.
There was no need staying up.
Saturday rolled around and I was still licking
my wounds.
My wife, when she takes a shower, she
likes to use this stuff called Skin So
Soft from Avon.
Some of you would be familiar with it.
It really smells good.
If you've got dry skin, it will slime
you up something good.
It's also, by the way, a great insect
repellent.
Yes, it is.
It will keep the bugs off of you.
So, put your Skin So Soft on and
you're good to go.
Well, she puts it on her body, I
guess for the dry skin.
I'm not sure, but I'm assuming that.
And then she wipes it off with a
towel.
Well, the towel was lying on the bed
and I walked over.
I know this makes no sense, but I
picked up her towel and I smelled it.
And I said, you know, honey, this towel
smells like you.
And my wife said, now that's romantic.
Can we process this for just a moment?
I have just told my wife she smells
like a towel and she's saying that's romantic.
And so, I said to her, don't make
fun of me.
I'm really trying to understand this thing.
And she said, well, I found it romantic.
And she walked away.
And I really, before the Lord, in my
heart said, well, Lord, we can forget this.
I can't do this romance thing.
I'm not wired to understand how she thinks
about romance.
And then the Lord showed me how this
romance thing works.
Now, folks, this is not inspired like the
Bible.
But it is by far the most inspiring
thought I ever had.
And it revolutionized a significant part of our
marriage because I came to understand how romance
works.
And I'm going to share it with you
very quickly.
It's like this, number one.
Romance is a game.
And it is a very particular game.
It is the game of hide and go
seek.
Your wife hides it and you seek it.
And that's romance.
And if you find it, to quote that
great philosopher, Mayberry, Andy Griffin, it's good.
Oh, it's good.
Now, if you don't find it, you've got
one of two options.
You can be nasty and mean and ugly
and been out of shape and just be
an old grouch of a husband for the
rest of your life.
I've met lots of men like that.
Or you can remember, it's a game, hide
and go seek.
She hides, I seek.
And sometimes I win.
And sometimes what?
You lose.
But, hey, that's the fun of playing the
game.
But it's hide and go seek.
Now, number two, and this isn't fair, but
we're all big people.
And so we know that life isn't fair.
It's just some things, that's the way they
are.
What does romantic to your wife say today?
It won't be romantic tomorrow.
Women are incredibly gifted at moving the romance
all over the place all the time.
In fact, sometimes they move it in the
same day.
In fact, sometimes they move it to a
place that they don't even remember where it
is, but they expect you to find it.
And so romance is this wonderful game of
hide and go seek.
She hides it, you seek it.
It's always changing.
It's always moving.
It's always shifting.
But if a man is going to be
the kind of man that God has called
him to be, and he is going to
meet one of the most basic needs of
his wife in the area of romance, he
will work diligently to learn to understand it
from her perspective.
And as I said, women find very strange
things romantic.
I wish I'd brought a list also that
I have on men, because here's something that
I think will help us guys especially.
Men, when it comes to romance, are very
eye-oriented.
Why?
Because men are creatures of sight, and men
are very much moved by what they see.
Women, on the other hand, are not so
much creatures of the eye as they are
of the ear and of the heart.
And if you look at the list behind
the seven basic needs of a woman, you'll
find not one thing.
Now, that's a list that women gave us.
That's not my list.
That's a list that women gave us.
You will find that not one thing has
to do with how you look, but there
are all sorts of things that are there
that will speak to her heart through her
ear.
And so we need to understand that they
process romance in a radically different way than
we do.
If you have some guys in your churches
that need a little encouragement in this area,
let me share with you that the Germans
several years ago took a survey, and they
discovered an amazing thing.
If a man will kiss his wife in
the morning before he goes to work, he
lives on average five years longer than a
man who doesn't, has 50% less illnesses,
and he makes 20 to 30% more
money.
So guys, even if you don't like her,
you ought to kiss her because you're going
to live longer, you're going to be sick
less, and you're going to make more money.
I mean, what a deal.
And so there's your motivation for being romantic
with your wife.
Now, number four and number five I'll tie
together.
Your wife has the need for intimate conversation.
She has the need for honesty and openness,
working backwards.
Guys, your wife is wired by the Lord
in such a way that she wants to
be a part of who you are on
the inside.
She really wants to be close to you.
When you're up or when you're down, when
you succeed or when you fail, when you're
happy or when you're sad, she wants to
share that with you.
And so she wants you to be open
and honest with her so that she can
get involved with the real you on the
inside.
Secondly, she wants you to talk to her
intimately, and you'll notice I speak there in
terms of a conversation that is at the
feeling level, that is heart to heart.
Men must learn to hear the heart behind
the words of a wife.
Because women speak from the heart, and they
use words as the means of getting it
there, but sometimes we guys misunderstand or don't
pay attention, and we just focus on the
words and we miss the heart behind the
words.
For example, a man will come home at
the end of the day, walk into the
home and give his wife a kiss on
the cheek and say, Honey, how did your
day go?
And she'll say, Fine.
Now, does that fine mean fine?
No, that fine means bad.
Because that's how women communicate.
They use code language.
But you're not listening, you're not listening.
So you go into the family room, you
get that wonderful male therapy device, the remote
control, and you exercise your fingers for several
hours, but then something hits you.
She didn't fix me any supper.
And you get amazingly sensitive when you get
hungry.
So you find her in the back of
the bedroom and you say, Honey, is anything
bothering you?
And she says, No.
Now, does that no mean no?
No, that no means yes.
But you know what else it means?
You weren't interested in finding out three hours
ago?
I ain't about to tell you now.
Jesus will return to this planet before you
know what's bothering me.
And you say, Well, she shouldn't be like
that.
No, you should have been listening when you
got home.
Because in a female way of conversing, when
you walked into that house, kissed her on
the cheek and said, How are you doing?
And she said, Fine.
She was screaming loudly, I've had a bad
day.
She was.
And if you've been married any time at
all, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
If you don't, then you have probably suffered
through this particular scenario again and again and
again.
And it's time to figure out what's going
on.
Well, number six and number seven, I'll put
them together for time's sake.
Your wife also has a need for home
support and stability.
And she also longs for you to put
the family first.
In other words, outside of your relationship with
Christ, nothing is more important to you than
your wife and your children.
And you'll see the last line under the
sixth point, her need for home support and
stability.
Remember, the husband, the father is the security
hub of the family.
And nothing brings security in the life of
a child like knowing that my daddy is
there and my daddy is taking care of
things.
And I can rest in the reality and
the comfort and the certainty that dad is
in place and dad is overseeing things and
dad is taking care of things.
So, those in a real quick thumb sketch
is how it is that God has put
a woman together.
Now, flip over a couple of pages and
let me also talk to you very quickly
about how it is that God has also
put a man together.
Let me begin by sharing something that I
think you'll find both interesting and somewhat entertaining.
A good friend of mine by the name
of Charles Lowry is the pastor of the
Hoffmantown Baptist Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
He also has a PhD in psychology and
is a wonderful marriage and family speaker.
And it's just gifted.
I mean, just a gifted, gifted speaker.
Well, several years ago, as he was trying
to help his church understand in a friendly
sort of a way, differences between men and
women, he wrote a newsletter column for his
church that is simply entitled, Men.
Now, I just want you to listen to
some of the things that Charles wrote because
I think it again speaks to some of
these differences.
A few years ago, the Forrester sisters sang
a song about men.
It went something like this.
They buy you dinner, they open your door.
But other than that, just what are they
good for?
Men.
Well, men have problems, especially with relationships after
all.
We grew up playing baseball, football, king of
the hill, catch of the flag.
We grew up competing with each other, doing
things and fixing things.
And we don't talk much, especially about our
feelings.
You might say that deep down, a man
is real shallow.
In fact, a man thinks talk is a
four letter word.
He thinks the relationship is going great if
he doesn't have to say anything.
Putting a man in a situation where he
has to talk makes him very uncomfortable.
That's why men go to the bathroom alone,
the way God intended it.
I appreciate that.
A man, though, has difficulty expressing himself.
My daughter, Charles says, will call and I
will say only three things.
How's the weather?
Do you need any money?
Here's your mother.
My wife, though, can talk on the phone
for 30 minutes and I say, who was
that?
And Penny says, oh, I don't know.
It was the wrong number.
Things are simple with a man.
Women are complex.
They may even be smarter.
Think about it.
A man's best friend, or excuse me, a
woman's best friend is diamonds.
But a man's best friend, it's a dog.
Women are more complex.
Think about this.
When a woman is going out, she has
to decide if she's going to wear her
hair up or down, slacks or high heels,
slacks or dress, casual or dressy dress, stockings,
knee-highs or socks, jewelry or no jewelry,
lots of makeup or little makeup.
And gosh, doesn't that make you tired just
thinking about that?
A man, on the other hand, picks up
some clothes and smells them.
And if there's no visible dirt, he has
himself an outfit.
You see, women dress to express themselves.
Men dress so they won't be naked.
Of course, the bottom line is, look at
what women carry.
A purse.
It contains everything she might need.
Men carry a wallet.
It conveniently contains nothing but money and credit
cards, which means you can buy or charge
whatever you need.
Simple, but these differences affect many aspects of
a relationship.
And he concludes, let me tell you.
Simple doesn't work with your wife when it
comes to gifts.
Gentlemen, if your last gifts to your wife
have been things like salad shooters, dustbusters, weed
whackers, deluxe irons or drywall compounds, you are
in serious trouble.
All of these things work, but they won't
work with your wife.
And so we are significantly different.
And turn over to the page that deals
with the five basic needs of a man.
And let me walk through this quickly.
And you'll see again that there is a
completely different kind of wiring to a man
than there is from a woman.
Again, I think this list is correctly prioritized.
And so number one, she has a need
for, or he has a need, excuse me,
for her admiration and respect.
And just note the line that's underlined in
that paragraph.
She is proud of her husband.
God made a man in such a way
that from his wife more than anybody else,
he wants her admiration and respect.
When this seminar ends, many of you will
come up, whether it's true or not, and
you'll be nice to me, say sweet things
to me, and I'll appreciate all that.
And I'll be honest with you, at the
very most basic level of who I am,
I hope that I do a good job
today.
I hope that you like it.
I hope that you enjoy it.
I hope that you get something out of
it.
I hope that you like me.
I like to be liked, just like everybody
else on the planet.
So I'll be honest with you.
There's another sense in which I really don't
care what any of you think about me.
And if I get through in a little
while and get with my wife and I
say, Honey, how did I do?
If all the rest of you say, crashed
and burned, it was ugly.
I can't believe that Rainey asked someone like
you to do a seminar.
But my wife says, Honey, you were great.
You honored the Lord.
You were clear.
I don't think I've ever heard you any
better.
I'll be just fine.
I will be.
Because what she thinks matters to me more
than anybody else.
We've begun to take surveys at the seminary,
Southern, where I teach.
Because I always do a family weekend for
our incoming students because we're real concerned about
the marriages and the families of ministers.
And one of the things that I will
say is this.
Why don't you listen to me?
I make a statement that goes something like
this.
A great woman can take a mediocre man
and raise him to the level of good.
But a not so great woman can take
a great man and drop him to the
level of mediocre.
And I say to the ladies, you have
incredible power for good or ill in the
life and ministry of your husband.
Furthermore, there's no way for me to overstate
how much your husband values your opinion of
him.
And so what we have, though, is the
ladies write a response.
They write, they give, they throw out a
survey and tell us what their pros and
cons of the weekend.
And over and over and over and over
and over, over the last three years, we've
had ladies write back that said something like
this.
I went home and asked my husband if
he really did care what I think.
And if what Danny Akin said was right.
And my husband said it was the most
important thing he said the entire weekend.
I never knew he thought what I think
mattered so much.
But it does on every level.
And so it is imperative, it's not by
accident, that the last phrase of Ephesians 5
is, and let the wife see that she
respects, means to honor, to admire her husband.
It is at the very foundation of what
a man is.
Now, secondly, he also has the need for
sexual fulfillment and she does indeed become an
excellent sexual partner to him.
In survey work, not surprising, men have said
this is their number one need.
But it's not.
Now, it's high up there.
Won't deny that.
Number two.
But not number one.
And I think I can show you why.
First of all, need number two is intimately
related to need number one.
Here's the deal, ladies.
If you say to your husband, I love
you, I admire you, I think you're wonderful,
but I have no interest in being intimate
with you, not only will you not meet
his number two need for sexual fulfillment, you
will drive a stake through the heart of
his number one need.
Because a man finds it absolutely inconceivable that
you think he's so wonderful if you're not
interested in being intimate with him.
Now, again, as we talk to people and
as we counsel people, we need to remind
them, first of all, sex was God's idea,
not ours.
He thought it up.
He gave it to us as a wonderful
gift to be enjoyed within the bonds of
marriage.
Furthermore, he gave it to us not just
for procreation, but he gave it to us
for maximum intimate enjoyment.
And indeed, he gave us a whole book,
The Song of Solomon, dedicated to really one
subject, and that is intimacy within the bonds
of marriage.
Now, let me share something I think will
encourage you.
We're also discovering that when we do it
God's way, not only is it best, it
gets better.
Let me share with you that in February
a year ago, World Magazine had the following
story concerning intimacy within marriage.
Listen to what they reported.
New statistical evidence is showing that traditional families
are far superior to the swinging single lifestyle
grammarized by TV even when it comes to
sex.
The National Health and Social Life Survey completed
what is now being billed as the most
comprehensive studies of American sex lives since the
Kinsey Report over 50 years ago.
The findings were recently published in the Journal
of the American Medical Association, and though they
are surprising to many observers, they are not
to those of us who believe what the
Bible has to say about sex.
Now, listen to this.
According to the study, sexually active single folk
have the most sexual problems and get the
least pleasure out of sex.
Men with the most liberal attitudes about sex
are 75% more likely to fail to
satisfy their partners.
Married couples are by far the happiest with
their sexual lives, and, now listen to this,
the most sexually fulfilled demographic group of them
all turns out to be, confounding the TV
fantasies of the young and the restless, married
couples between the ages of 50 and 59.
Now, folks, I'm 43, and I think it's
pretty awesome right now.
And yet, according to the experts, for me,
the best is yet to come.
And yet, what are we discovering but that
God knew what He was doing, and that
God knew that as we continue to grow
in our knowledge and love for one another,
the intimate part of marriage becomes more wonderful,
more wonderful, more wonderful.
And again, God has put a man together
in such a way that this is the
very heart of who He is.
Number three, your husband or a husband also
has the need for home support.
There are a number of important words in
that paragraph.
She creates a home that offers him an
atmosphere of peace, quiet, and refuge.
She manages the home and care of the
children, and the home is a place of
rest and rejuvenation.
Remember, the wife, the mother, is the emotional
hub of the family.
I like to say it this way, the
wife is the thermostat in the home, and
you are.
And if a wife's thermostat goes up to
about 90, it's not just hot for her,
it's hot for everybody.
If her thermostat goes back down to about
70 or 65, it's not just cool for
her, it's cool for everybody.
Now again, we all know the old proverbial
saying, in the home, if mama ain't happy,
what?
Ain't no one going to be happy.
Now you can say that's not fair, but
we dealt with that a long time ago.
It's the way that it is.
Because you see, men come home bent out
of shape, they tend to just kind of
light and settle, like a slug somewhere, and
you just stay away from them, they'll stay
away from you.
But mothers, wives, they don't stay still.
They are always moving, upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside.
My boys used to say, Daddy, you can
lock yourself in the bathroom, but you get
that thing over the door and comes in
there just to check out, just to see
what we're doing.
I mean, mamas simply don't allow things to
go without being involved in them.
And yet, here's what a woman needs to
understand.
If a man has a wife that tends
to gripe and nag and whine, you know
the proverb says, a man would prefer to
live in the desert or in the roof
of the house than around such a woman.
Well, this is what happens.
Men will either do one of two things.
They either fight or take flight.
They do.
Now, you say, what do you mean by
that?
Well, most men don't physically fight their wives,
but some will.
And it happens way too often, even though
it is not what most men do.
So, if they don't fight physically, they'll fight
verbally, but most men can't beat their wives
in a verbal battle because women are better
with words than are men.
They're quicker.
They use a logic that throws a man
off.
And before we can recover, the argument is
over and we have been slain.
And so, most men won't fight their wives
verbally.
So, if they won't fight, what do they
do?
They take flight.
Now, some men take flight by walking out
of the marriage.
Others take flight by walking away from within
the marriage.
And so, they develop a reputation of being
a workaholic.
But they're not.
As one man said to me one time,
it's just much quieter at work than it
is at home.
Or he'll develop a reputation for being involved
in a thousand and one different kinds of
activities, anything to stay away from that home
that is a war zone and a battlefield.
And so, a woman must understand that a
man is looking for a place that he
can rest, be rejuvenated, a place that is
a refuge for him.
He needs a place of home support.
Number four, he has a need for an
attractive wife.
Again, men are moved by the I, and
yet, I want to add, men want a
wife who is both attractive inwardly and outwardly.
Inwardly, every woman can make herself absolutely ravishing
and gorgeous and unbelievably beautiful.
But outwardly, I believe every woman with time
and attention and care can take the things
that God has given her and make her
attractive, make herself an attractive woman.
And again, ladies, remember, your husband is a
creature of sight, he's moved by what he
sees, and he wants to see you as
an attractive woman, both publicly and privately.
If I had time, I would develop my
little speech to the ladies about the thing
that was birthed in the pit of hell
called a flannel gown.
And I would talk to you about this
thing that no woman in the Spirit could
ever put on her person.
In fact, I will stay here for just
a moment.
I shared this one time in a black
Baptist church, and a brother got so excited,
he left the pew and came up and
gave me a high five at this point
of my sermon.
I shared it in another church, and after
the service, this lady came up to me,
and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be
here today, and she said, my husband wants
to talk to you.
Well, I thought I was in trouble, that
I'd done something bad, but oh, he came
up and put his arm around me and
said, man, where have you been all my
married life?
He said, I want you to come over
to the house tonight after church.
We're having a granny gown bonfire, and we're
going to burn them all.
And so I've got substantial data out there
that would indicate that men are not impressed
with the long-flowing flannel.
Number five, your husband also has the need
for a life companion.
I'll just simply summarize by saying, ladies, your
husband needs you to become his best friend.
You say, my husband doesn't act like he
wants me to be his best friend.
I don't care how he acts.
God has wired him in such a way
that he really does need from you that
intimate partnership, you, to be that very best
friend that he can confide in, that he
can trust.
I say to a lot of folks when
I speak in this area, no one knows
me on this planet like Charlotte, my wife.
In fact, she knows me in such a
way that if she wanted to, she could
ruin me.
She could destroy me.
She has seen me at my absolute worst.
And she knows things about me that nobody
else knows but the Lord.
And yet I've never even once worried that
my wife would take that knowledge and use
it against me.
And I like to say this, and this
is a word of warning as well.
In my life, I have many men who
are good friends.
Well, when I say many, five or six
men that I'm very close to, that I'm
very accountable to, that we have a very
deep relationship.
But I have only one person who is
my very best friend.
And that is my wife.
And I would not even have very good
friends of the opposite sex.
I won't.
Now, I like ladies.
I think they're wonderful.
But I don't need to have ladies that
close to me.
I need to have one lady that is
closer to me than anybody else, my wife.
And then beyond that, I need men that
I can be accountable to and that can
look me in the eye and in love
tell me, Danny, I think you're blowing it
over here.
I think you made a mistake here.
Why did you say that?
Why did you do that?
And I listen to them because I know
they love me and they only want what
is best for me.
Well, as we move toward our close, turn
to the page that then says men and
women, just how they are different.
And here I have given you kind of
a breakdown of six areas that we can
talk about it.
By the way, as we prepare to do
this again in a somewhat funny fashion, someone
sent me a few years ago.
Charlotte can tell you, for years I have
said, just kind of my observance.
I said, you know what?
If I had to compare men and women
to an animal, I would say that men
are dogs and women are cats.
She said, well, why would you say that?
I said, well, think about a dog.
Think about a man.
If you just feed him and pat his
head, he'll wag his tail and pant and
be happy for the rest of his life.
Think about a woman.
Think about a cat.
You can walk into a room and that
cat may come up and it may purr
and it may rub up against your leg.
Ten minutes later, it may come back to
that room and jump on your face and
cloud your eyes out and it's the same
cat.
Well, somebody sent me an article on the
internet entitled, Is it a cat?
Is it a woman?
It may be both.
Is it a man?
Is it a dog?
It may be both.
Now, the cat one's kind of funny, but
the dog one's hilarious.
But I want to share them with you
very quickly.
Is it a cat?
Is it a woman?
It may be both.
After all, number one, they do what they
want.
Number two, they rarely listen to you.
Number three, they're totally unpredictable.
Number four, they whine when they're not happy.
Number five, when you want to play, they
want to be alone.
Number six, when you want to be alone,
they want to play.
Number seven, they expect you to cater to
their every whim.
Number eight, they're moody.
Number nine, they leave their hair everywhere.
And number ten, they can drive you nuts
and cost you an arm and a leg.
What is a cat?
It's a tiny little woman in a fur
coat.
Is it a dog?
Is it a man?
It may be both.
After all, number one, they lie around all
day, sprawled out on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.
Number two, they can hear a package of
food opening half a block away, but they
can't hear you when you're in the same
room.
Number three, they do disgusting things with their
mouth and then try to give you a
kiss.
Number four, they growl when they're not happy.
Number five, when you want to play, they
want to play.
Number six, when you want to be left
alone, hey, they still want to play.
Number seven, they're great at begging.
Number eight, they will love you forever if
you will feed them and rub their tummies.
Number nine, they leave their toys everywhere.
And number ten, they can look dumb and
lovable all at the same time.
Well, yes, men are little dogs or dogs
are men in fur coats.
So, we are different.
I summarize in this way.
Communication, listening tends to be hard work for
most men.
It brings great happiness to a woman.
Talking can intimidate a man but nurtures intimacy
for a woman.
Men tend to report facts.
Women want to share feelings.
That feeds into number four and this one
I have a star by it.
Men feel compelled to offer solutions.
Women want affirmation and assurance.
Guys, many times when our wife asks us
a question, she's not looking for an answer.
She's looking for affirmation, assurance and conversation.
Drop down to romance.
Romance for men means sex but for a
woman, it can mean a lot of different
things.
Romance for a man is highly visual.
It's what he sees.
But for a woman, it's much more relational
and personal.
It's what she feels.
Needs.
Women need to feel valued.
Something that most men hardly ever think about.
But men need to feel successful.
Something every man thinks about every single day
of his life.
Women want to be heard.
Men need to be praised.
Self-worth.
Women value relational moments.
Men are much more into occupational achievements.
Women fear neglect.
Something that most men never really think about.
But men fear failure.
Something they think about all the time.
Time.
Men do not think much about time, unfortunately.
But women value both quantity and quality of
time.
Men tend to go with the flow.
But women appreciate specific and creative ideas.
Several years ago, Reba McIntyre wrote a poem
that illustrates this very well entitled The Greatest
Man.
Many of you would know this.
The greatest man I never knew lived just
down the hall.
And every day we said hello, though we
never touched at all.
He was in his paper and I was
in my room.
How was I to know he thought I
hung the moon?
The greatest man I never knew I guess
I'll never know.
He worked late almost every night.
He never had too much to say.
Too much was on his mind.
And now it seems so sad that everything
he gave us took all he had.
Days faded to years and the memories to
black and white.
And he grew cold like an old winter
wind that blew across my life.
The greatest words I never heard I guess
I'll never hear.
The man I thought would never die has
been dead almost a year.
He was good at business, but there was
business left to do.
He never said he loved me.
I guess he thought I knew.
Men need to think about time.
And then finally, parenting.
Mothers nurture.
But fathers provide that strength and a child's
sense of self-worth.
Mothers provide the emotional support for a child,
but fathers provide that sense of security.
Now, I have a thing I want to
share with you that will emphasize both of
these as we bring this session to a
close.
I loved the books of Irma Bombeck.
I thought that she said some really neat
and witty things.
And in her book, Family, The Ties That
Bind and Gag, she spoke at the very
beginning of the book about her daddy.
And listen to what Irma Bombeck said.
One morning, my father did not get up
and go to work.
He went to the hospital and he died
the next day.
I hadn't thought that much about him before.
He was just someone who left and came
home and seemed glad to see everyone at
night.
He opened the jar of pickles when no
one else could.
He was the only one in the house
who wasn't afraid to go into the basement
by himself.
He cut himself shaving, but no one ever
kissed it or got excited about it.
And it was understood that when it rained,
he got the car and brought it around
to the door.
When anyone was sick, he went out to
get the prescription filled.
He took lots of pictures, but he was
never in them.
Now listen to this.
Whenever I played house, the mother doll had
a lot to do.
I never knew what to do with the
daddy doll, so I had him say, I'm
going off to work now, and I threw
him under the bed.
Okay?
The funeral was in our living room, and
a lot of people came and brought all
kinds of good food and cakes.
We had never had so much company before.
Later, I went to my room and felt
under the bed for the daddy doll.
When I found him, I dusted him off
and put him on my bed.
He never did anything.
I didn't know his leaving would hurt so
much.
And you see, just by his presence in
the home, that dad brought that sense of
security and protection that is so vital to
the life of a child.
But then we talk about the nurturing of
a mother.
And again, I wish I could give credit.
I don't know where this came from.
It's simply entitled One Woman to Another.
But I've never heard anything address motherhood more
appropriately than this.
And I share this and we close and
take any time for questions that you would
like.
Time is running out for my friend.
While we were sitting at lunch, she casually
mentions that she and her husband are thinking
of starting a family.
What she means is her biological clock has
begun its countdown and she is being forced
to consider the prospect of motherhood.
We're taking a survey, she says, half-joking.
Do you think I could have a baby?
It will change your life.
I say carefully, trying to keep my tone
neutral.
Oh, I know, she says.
No more spontaneous vacations.
But that is not what I mean at
all.
I try to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will
never learn in childbirth classes.
That the physical wounds of childbearing heal.
But that becoming a mother will leave an
emotional wound so raw that she will be
forever vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never
read a newspaper again without asking what if
that had been my child.
But every plane crash and every fire will
haunt her.
And when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder, could anything be worse than
watching your child die?
I look at her manicured nails and stylish
suit and I think, no matter how sophisticated
she is, becoming a mother will reduce her
to the primitive level of a bear protecting
her cub.
That the urgent call of mom will cause
her to drop her best crystal without a
moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no
matter how many years she has invested in
her career, she will be professionally derailed by
motherhood.
Oh, she might arrange for childcare, but one
day she will be going into an important
business meeting and she will think about her
baby's sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of
discipline to keep from running home just to
make sure her child is alright.
I want my friend to know that everyday
decisions will no longer be routine.
That a five-year-old boy's desire
to go to the men's room rather than
the woman's at a restaurant will become a
major dilemma.
That issues of independence and gender identity will
be weighed against the prospect that a child
molester may be lurking in that men's restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office,
she will second-guess herself constantly as a
mother.
Looking at my attractive friend, I want to
assure her that eventually she will shed the
pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel
the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be
of less value to her once she has
a child.
That she would give it up in a
moment to save her offspring, but she will
also hope for many more years not to
accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her
child accomplish his.
My friend's relationship with her husband will change,
but not in the way she thinks.
I wish she could understand how much more
you can love a man who is always
careful to powder the baby or who never
hesitates to play with his son or daughter.
I think she should know she will fall
in love with her husband all over again
for reasons that she would now find very
unromantic.
I want to describe to my friend the
exhilaration of seeing your child hit a baseball.
I want to capture for her the belly
laugh of a baby who is touching the
soft fur of a dog for the first
time.
I want her to taste the joy that
is so real it hurts.
My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that
tears have formed in my eyes.
You'll never regret it, I finally say.
Then, squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a
prayer for her and me and all the
mere mortal women who stumble their way into
this holiest of all callings.
I shared that one time at a church
just outside of Fort Lauderdale and afterwards this
man came up to me and said, you
know what you said about a mother could
not be more true?
Let me give you an illustration.
He said, let me ask you a question.
If a child's life is in danger and
the mother is there and the daddy is
there, who will respond more quickly and spontaneously?
And I said, well, that's easy.
The mother.
He said, no question about it.
He said, a man being a man will
look and begin to process it.
My child is in danger.
There is a need for me to respond.
What would be the appropriate action for me
to take?
Mothers don't do that and he said, let
me give you an example.
Just a couple weeks ago down here in
South Florida, an alligator came up out of
the Everglades and grabbed a two year old
baby in their backyard and began to run
off into the brush.
The dad immediately began to look for something
to grab to go hit the alligator, not
the mother.
She went into a dead sprint, jumped on
the alligator, began to hit it, bite it,
kick it, scream at it.
After about 15 seconds of that torture, that
alligator let go of that baby, scurried off
into the Everglades, the mother got up, realized
what she had done, and passed out right
there on the spot.
Now why?
Because she didn't think, she just moved from
the heart.
Because that's the way God wired a woman.
That dad, he'd have got there eventually, it
might have been too late, and he'd have
beat the alligator's brains out.
But you see, men don't move first from
the heart, they move first from the mind,
from the head.
Why?
Because again, we're different.
God wired us that way and it really
is a very good thing.
Alright, let me stop and just simply see
if you have any questions that you would
like to raise.
The material, take it, use it in any
way and every way that you want.
If it's helpful, great.
If it's not, just set it aside.
But I simply wanted to give you some
things that I thought would be helpful to
you as a pastor and as a Bible
teacher and so it's yours to use in
any way that you want.
But any questions?
Yes?
Are you just holding your hands up like
that for ten minutes?
We got ten minutes to go?
Okay, so I got ten minutes.
Sir?
Yes.
One of the things I also do when
I speak in marriage conferences is I talk
about warning signs of a failing marriage and
I talk about one danger is when basic
needs are met outside of the marriage.
For example, here's a woman that has the
need for intimate conversation.
Her husband doesn't talk to her.
She finds a guy at church who will.
And all of a sudden there's this attraction
that develops.
Or you have a man whose wife is
always putting him down and in the job
place he's got a woman that as I
tell ladies whose husbands work with other women,
he's probably working with a woman who looks
good, smells good and always treats him well.
So that's what you get paid to do.
And then she begins to praise him and
affirm him and all of a sudden a
most basic need is being met and you're
opening a door then for an affair.
What I try to help people understand is
that these are needs or the way that
men and women are wired in a sense.
But yet there's also a sense which ultimately
this will build upon what John Piper said
last night.
Everything that is here should be first given
to God.
And these are things that you commit to
him and then you say to him, Lord,
if these needs, if I have the need
for sexual fulfillment and for whatever reason that
need is not being met right now in
my marriage, then I just simply drop to
my knees before the Lord and I begin
to give that need to him and I
do not even allow the possibility of that
need being met in any other way than
through my mate or from God.
And yes, it is something and the thing
is these needs when they're not being met
they do hurt.
I've never met anyone that says, well, yeah,
this isn't happening but I don't care.
No, you do care and it does hurt
because God designed for the marriage to work
in that kind of a way but you've
got to be careful because when you open
the door for that need to be met
in some other avenue then you have cracked
the door for that affair and as Dennis
Rainey said so well yesterday and we've been
reminded many times, affairs start usually on the
emotional level before they ever reach the physical
level and they do not happen like that.
They happen over an extended period of time.
And so, if you simply put, which is
kind of going back to what I said
earlier, I follow the Billy Graham rule.
I've been accused of being a Neanderthal and
a sexist and other things.
I've never been accused of being an adulterer
though.
I never spend time alone with a woman
other than Charlotte.
I'll never be alone with a woman other
than her, than she.
Why?
Because you won't commit adultery in front of
a bunch of people.
You just won't do it.
So, if I'm never in the wrong place
at the wrong time with the wrong person
the wrong thing won't happen, at least as
a physical act.
Now, my thought life, that's a whole other
issue.
But at least I've drawn a line and
created a barrier that that can't happen.
And so, I think those are some things
we've got to put in place because you're
right.
We get these needs out before us which
are good, of course, to know what they
are.
But if we then turn inward and begin
to say, well, look, I've got these five
and she doesn't do anything and this one,
this one.
I've got these seven and he's not doing
this one.
Well, I have a right to be, I
have a right for these needs to be
met.
No, you don't.
These are blessings that go beyond your right.
You have a right to honor God.
You have a right to be holy.
You have a responsibility to seek Him first
and then let these other things come later.
And so, it starts with that kind of
focus and that's a great point.
Okay?
Another question?
Yes, ma'am.
Is there a place, is there a place
in the home that can kind of be,
you know, blocked off and shut away?
For example, in our family, when we lived
in Dallas, we had a home that had
a garage that became, it was finished and
so it became my study.
And when I was out there working on
my dissertation or working on a book project
or something, we would shut the door and
Charlotte would just simply try to say, guys,
when dad's out there and the door's shut,
do your best to kind of, you know,
stay away and play out in the back,
play out in the front, but give that
space and time to him when he's out
there and it worked pretty well.
It didn't work perfectly, but I don't think
I want it to work perfectly.
I still like it from time to time
for him to come blasting through there and
wanting to do something.
But if you can set aside an area
and just kind of, now how old are
your children now?
Yeah.
Just maybe even block it off, you know,
if you have to put something up.
If there isn't such a place and just,
you know, as I would say to him,
as I would say to myself, block off
some time.
Don't block off all the time.
My students now that come to the seminary,
you know, those of you that were in
seminary, it's a tough thing, especially if you
come later with a marriage and children and
they'll say, you know, how am I going
to get everything done?
And so I'll say, well, let me ask
you a question.
How many of you usually sleep late on
Saturday?
And almost all of them raise their hands.
I say, well, that's great.
You don't have to sleep late anymore.
You can get up at six every Saturday
and study from six to ten.
Then you've gotten four hours of studying and
you didn't shortchange your wife or your kids.
How many of you like to take Sunday
naps?
Not anymore.
Two to five, you study.
And if your wife, kids take a nap,
now I've found you four, seven hours of
study in just two days.
Now they look at me kind of like,
you know, the deer in the headlight.
Not that I'm very serious.
You're committed to being a godly husband and
a godly father.
You don't want to cheat those children of
their time.
You don't want to cheat your wife of
her time.
Your problem is you're not disciplined.
And so get your tail out of bed
and go study when they're asleep or when
they're doing something else and they won't feel
cheated and you'll do fine in school.
And then you can give them time that
they need so that the seminary experience is
not one that you leave with a bad
taste in your mouth but one you leave
and say, you know what?
As hard as it was and as demanding
as it was, our marriage is better and
our family is better than when we got
here.
And we really, at Southern, we really hammer
this now.
We do an orientation and I kind of
do what I just did today.
And I talk about the needs of a
man, the needs of a woman, tell lots
of funny stories and then I tell the
gentlemen, guys, I'm the dean of the School
of Theology, a professor of theology.
If you have me for a class and
it comes down to you making a C
or even a D in my class but
making an A at home, make the C
or the D.
I've never been asked what grades I made
in seminary.
Never.
And I've been asked lots of times about,
tell me about your wife, tell me about
your children.
And so don't play the fool.
And sacrifice your children on that.
Now we can just move that right into
ministry.
And we can move that right into occupation.
The same principle transfers across the board.
So again, with him, I say one, try
to find time when they're asleep, when you're
resting.
That's a great time for you to get
in there and just get after it.
Then secondly, try to find an area that
you can block off that they kind of
know when dad's over there, dad's trying to
get some study in.
He won't be there all day but he'll
be there for a couple of hours and
that's, you know, let's do our best to
play back here, play over here and leave
dad alone.
And my kids did pretty well when I
had four boys and as I said, overall,
they did fine.
Okay?
Another question?
Another?
Yes, sir.
It's a great question.
What about people that don't track exactly down
this list?
I tell them, first of all, this list
is not hard and fast.
Generally, most people are like this.
Most men are like these five things.
Most women are like these.
But we are different.
And you'll find some personalities that do kind
of blend over.
There's nothing wrong with that at all.
It's simply, again, a reflection of how God
has wired you.
Some men are more emotional than others.
Some women are less emotional than others.
Some men, though not most, are moved more
by what they hear.
You know, this is where Gary Chapman's very
fine book The Five Languages of Love where
he talks about you speak love languages either
in, say, time, touch, gifts, acts of service,
and what am I leaving out?
I said time.
Time and touch, acts of service, gifts, words.
How did I forget that?
Ask me.
My two love languages are words and touch.
I love to be petted.
I mean, I am the true dog.
Pat my head, actually rub my feet.
And I mean, I'm just in high...
My wife can get anything she wants out
of me if she says, well, honey, I
was going to give you a two-hour
foot rub.
What do you want?
Here.
Here's the wallet.
Here's the...
Anything you want.
I mean, I just love that.
And I love to be praised.
And if I don't get that, emotionally, I
feel somewhat empty.
She, on the other hand, is much more
wired toward gifts and time.
And I should have seen it because my
wife, she just stepped out for a moment.
She grew up in a children's home.
And so, no family was ever there.
And even when she was a little girl
before she went to the children's home, she
shared with me that she had Christmases and
birthdays where she got nothing.
So, her parents were alcoholics.
They were lost.
They divorced.
Just...
You think of the most horrific mess you
can imagine.
And there it was.
And so, those things matter to her immensely.
And there's some kind of crossing over there
in needs.
And so, part of it comes back.
It's a simple book, but it's very profound.
And when I read it the first time,
I said, gosh, this is Danny Aiken to
a T.
Touch and time.
I mean, touch and words.
Here's Charlotte.
Gifts.
Well, I mean, I just bring her, you
know, some little giddy that didn't cost anything,
but I just took the time to go
get it.
And I mean, you'd think I was father
or husband of the year.
And it's just something I picked up at
the Cracker Barrel after I ate my pinto
beans and, you know, my corn and my
pork chop.
But I was walking out and there's those
little candle things, you know, and I pick
those little candles home.
Well, she just thinks that's, you know, grand,
glorious, and wonderful.
So there's that kind of crossover.
These are not hard, fast categories, but they
generally do speak to where most men generally
are and where most women generally are.
So that's what I would try to help
them understand.
Okay?
Anything else?
All right.
Thank you so much.
It was an honor to be able to
speak to you this afternoon.