I can tell you the best way to
grow you a church, brother pastor.
Be sure to drop your denominational name from
the title and give your church a new
name that evokes a good time.
Then get some big financial backers from some
of your contacts within your business community, and
be sure to get a worship band that's
upbeat and talented, and get some strobe lights
and some big screen TVs, and make sure
there's a coffee bar in the lobby with
some big comfortable easy chairs so folks can
relax in before the service.
Be sure the ushers look happy and are
friendly, and as the pastor, make sure you
come bounding onto the stage exuding energy and
personal magnetism.
Smile often and be complimentary to your hearers.
Quote a recent Hollywood movie they can all
relate to and get a chuckle from them
so they will feel relaxed and at ease.
Make sure what you wear is stylish and
fashionable, but casual.
Let them know that this church is not
a stuffy-born church, but a relaxed fun
church.
Let them know how much you appreciate them
for being there as you celebrate God together,
have fun during the service, and be sure
to have at least two good jokes and
one funny story.
Keep the mood positive and the tempo upbeat.
Give them a feel-good message that will
help them to be a better person.
Elevate man and his needs and give them
a man-centered gospel that revolves around the
happiness of man.
Be sure to tell them that they're going
to heaven and it's the easiest thing they
will ever do because all they have to
do to go to heaven is to believe
what you're telling them that the gospel is.
Keep telling them how much God loves them
and that he loves them just like the
pop song says, that he loves them just
the way you are.
No need to change because God's a very
accepting God and he accepts you just the
way you are.
Avoid preaching from the Bible.
Use an anchor verse for the day.
Take it out of context and use it
as a positive reminder how much God loves
them.
Use some media in your message and be
sure to use some video that is upbeat
with a positive thought.
Tell a personal story at the end of
the service that will play on their emotions
and make sure you cry some crocodile tears
while you tell it as you invite them
to come back again next Sunday and bring
a friend to enjoy and be part of
such a wonderful religious celebration.
Be sure to elevate man and his happiness
and tell them that God wants to bless
them with material things so they can be
prosperous.
Teach them an accommodating God and a positive
message and you will soon have one of
the fastest growing churches in your town and
you will be on your way up the
ladder of your denomination and everybody will just
love you.
Good luck because you need luck if you
plan on dodging all those people you led
to hell when you were shut up in
hell with them and they are out to
get you for lying to them and damning
their souls.