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I can tell you the best way to

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grow you a church, brother pastor.

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Be sure to drop your denominational name from

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the title and give your church a new

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name that evokes a good time.

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Then get some big financial backers from some

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of your contacts within your business community, and

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be sure to get a worship band that's

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upbeat and talented, and get some strobe lights

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and some big screen TVs, and make sure

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there's a coffee bar in the lobby with

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some big comfortable easy chairs so folks can

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relax in before the service.

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Be sure the ushers look happy and are

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friendly, and as the pastor, make sure you

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come bounding onto the stage exuding energy and

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personal magnetism.

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Smile often and be complimentary to your hearers.

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Quote a recent Hollywood movie they can all

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relate to and get a chuckle from them

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so they will feel relaxed and at ease.

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Make sure what you wear is stylish and

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fashionable, but casual.

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Let them know that this church is not

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a stuffy-born church, but a relaxed fun

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church.

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Let them know how much you appreciate them

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for being there as you celebrate God together,

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have fun during the service, and be sure

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to have at least two good jokes and

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one funny story.

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Keep the mood positive and the tempo upbeat.

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Give them a feel-good message that will

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help them to be a better person.

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Elevate man and his needs and give them

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a man-centered gospel that revolves around the

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happiness of man.

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Be sure to tell them that they're going

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to heaven and it's the easiest thing they

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will ever do because all they have to

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do to go to heaven is to believe

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what you're telling them that the gospel is.

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Keep telling them how much God loves them

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and that he loves them just like the

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pop song says, that he loves them just

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the way you are.

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No need to change because God's a very

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accepting God and he accepts you just the

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way you are.

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Avoid preaching from the Bible.

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Use an anchor verse for the day.

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Take it out of context and use it

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as a positive reminder how much God loves

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them.

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Use some media in your message and be

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sure to use some video that is upbeat

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with a positive thought.

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Tell a personal story at the end of

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the service that will play on their emotions

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and make sure you cry some crocodile tears

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while you tell it as you invite them

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to come back again next Sunday and bring

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a friend to enjoy and be part of

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such a wonderful religious celebration.

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Be sure to elevate man and his happiness

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and tell them that God wants to bless

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them with material things so they can be

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prosperous.

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Teach them an accommodating God and a positive

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message and you will soon have one of

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the fastest growing churches in your town and

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you will be on your way up the

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ladder of your denomination and everybody will just

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love you.

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Good luck because you need luck if you

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plan on dodging all those people you led

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to hell when you were shut up in

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hell with them and they are out to

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get you for lying to them and damning

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their souls.