...on me, slapped me and said, go to
hell.
I remember this.
I remember stretching forth a finger to Nicky
Cruz.
Said, Nicky, God loves you and he's going
to get you.
This is one young man, has the touch
of God, picked out of the gutter to
come to Pittsburgh.
Tell you of the grace of Jesus Christ.
And every time I hear Nicky tell what
God has done for him, I have to
sit and weep.
Because I remember when he stood with a
cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
And a pistol in his pocket.
And hating the whole world.
And Jesus manifested his grace.
Nicky and Jeff Morales, his interpreter.
Nicky Cruz, my co-worker in the Lord.
Tonight, the Lord is as big as you
may think.
I don't know what's going to happen tonight.
I will only wait upon the Holy Spirit.
I trust in the Holy Spirit tonight.
All of the glory is going to belong
to God.
God is jealous of this glory.
No one else can take this glory.
About six months ago, I went to New
York University.
And there they asked me to speak about
my salvation.
There were psychiatrists.
And they had gathered together to see what
had happened to me.
And as the meeting was progressing, I had
a short while with them.
Then one of them stood up and asked
me this.
Let us take the power of God and
put it aside for a while.
Let's take Brother David Wilkerson and put him
aside for a while.
And let us think about ourselves.
They began to analyze the problem that I
had.
And then a psychiatrist asked me.
Now that we have put God aside, we
have put religion aside, we have put Reverend
Wilkerson aside, What if I went by that
place where you were at?
And let's pretend that you were with the
gang again.
If I went to you and said to
you, Nikki, I love you.
What would have been your reaction and what
would you have thought about me?
And before that assembly I said to him,
My first reaction at the time would have
been that you would be a homosexual.
Because the only thing that can change a
man is the love of God.
The love of God is positive.
That is why I say that this is
not something that belongs to man.
This rests only upon the baptism of the
love of God that changes and transforms takes
hate and baptizes it and turns it into
love.
And that's why that man had no other
alternative but to sit down and be quiet.
Many years ago, I come from a Spanish
family.
A home which was completely destroyed.
Where there was only the power of the
enemy.
A home where my father, as the head
of that home, was living at the time
as a director in spiritualism.
My father was the director of different assemblies.
My mother was a medium.
And could also read the fortune in the
cards.
She would say the person's good or bad
fortune.
And this was her philosophy.
That she would never read the fortune for
any one of her children.
And at that time I had seventeen brothers
and one sister.
This was my gang.
I can remember at the age of eight,
I received my first shock when I walked
into my home playing with a small ball
in my hand.
And there were guests in my home.
And the lady, as I walked in, pointed
her finger.
And because I looked so much like my
mother, she said, your son looks just like
you.
And my mother right there said, this is
not my son.
He has never been my son.
And I have never loved him as such.
I ran at that time and ran into
my room.
I laid down on my bed.
And there I began to weep.
I cried.
And it was so that I could not
contain myself.
Hours passed by.
And then I got up.
Then I was not the same Nicky.
I was not the son of my mother.
I was a completely different person.
I got up from there with hate.
I looked at my mother and what I
saw was hell.
There instantly I said to myself, I hate
her.
I hate her.
And there I repeated to myself, I hate
her.
And even after she beat me, I continued
to yell, I hate you.
And there was the first time.
And the last time that I wept.
Until I met the Lord Jesus Christ.
And there I continued on my road being
unable to contain myself.
Darkness covered that home.
My brothers were afraid.
Then when I grew older, I decided to
come to New York.
Even though I was a minor, I came
to New York by myself, by plane.
When I arrived to New York, I was
completely alone.
I just stood there by myself.
But one brother of mine was the only
one who came for me.
But I was not able to be with
my brother.
So I began to wander again.
I began to sleep in parks, in subways.
Anywhere where I was able to lay down.
Many times I would just wander around the
city.
I would be walking day and night.
And it was such a condition that I
couldn't be alone or still.
I had to go into restaurants.
And while I was sitting there, I would
order a meal and leave quickly.
And then as soon as I saw everybody
busy, I would run out the door without
paying.
This was happening every day.
I had visited almost every restaurant in New
York.
And it was so, that I was completely
confused.
But one night I was standing on a
street corner.
A fellow came to me and said, Tonight
the Mamo Chaplin, the whole gang, is going
to gather and we're going to have a
big dance.
And in this dance there's going to be
a lot of girls and guys.
And I would like for you to go
and meet the boy.
And I want you to meet the leader.
I accepted the invitation.
Then at about 7.30, I began to
walk.
And he took me into a dark place.
And as we walked, I noticed that there
were no lights.
Then we went into a hallway.
He opened the door.
And I thought I would see light dance.
But then it happened that all I could
hear was a phonograph and footsteps.
And as I walked in, I began to
stumble.
And it was that boys and girls were
laying on the floor drunk and high.
They were petting heavily on the floor.
They were smoking marijuana, yelling.
All of them were completely disordered.
And because I was in darkness, this did
not bother me at all.
And I gathered, I went into their gathering.
They invited me to join the gang.
The leader said, we need one more fellow.
Would you like to be in the gang?
I said, give me three days to think
about it.
In those three days, I will be able
to tell you if I'm going to be
in the gang or not.
So I began to think.
Three days later, I remember I walked into
this place.
When I walked in, the leader said to
me, welcome.
Then he said to me, if you're going
to join, you're going to have to go
through one of two initiations.
You're going to have to accept one of
these two initiations.
The first one he said, the leader himself
said these words, I'm going to take a
switchblade into my hand, and you're going to
have to stand up against the wall.
You can't move in any direction.
So I would have to stand there with
my hands at my side, stiffly awaiting.
He would face me directly, and walk away
from me 20 paces.
As he counted from 19 to 20, he
would throw the knife at me.
The knife pierced my body.
Automatically, I would be a member of the
gang.
If not, I would still be a member
of the gang.
But the idea was to go through this
terrible ordeal.
The second initiation, five of the strongest fellows
once again put me up against the wall,
and there they would beat me until I
fell to the floor unconscious.
I decided to accept the second initiation.
They put me up against the wall.
They began to beat me left and right.
The impact of the fists on my face
was hard.
I could feel the impact upon my chest.
I was on my feet only for about
five minutes.
I wasn't able to take it anymore.
I was bleeding from my nose and my
mouth.
I was weak.
I lost my breath.
I fell to the floor, and there I
lay unconscious.
They picked me up, put me into a
car, and dropped me off in a dark
alley.
The next morning, I awoke.
My body was aching, black and blue all
over.
Then a committee came and said to me,
now you're a member of the gang.
They gave me a welcome, a reception.
So, because I was a beginner, I thought
that this would be something that I would
have to give everything to.
The first time I went for a holdup,
we got all mixed up.
It was a detective.
We surrounded him.
He fell to the floor unconscious.
We began to search his pocket.
We stumbled upon his bag.
It was a detective.
The gun which he had was a .38
caliber This was the weapon that I kept.
I thought that this was something very easy.
Many times we would run into other gangs.
Sometimes 200, sometimes 150.
We would begin to do everything.
You could see Nicky running around shooting his
revolver left and right.
I thought I was a cowboy.
And I began to get into all of
these acts completely.
I began to see a lot of violence.
I began to join into the violence.
I began to join into torture.
Already my heart had become completely filled with
evil, filled with hate.
I hated the police.
In the year 1957, we declared war against
the police department.
We began to shoot at them with our
weapons from rooftops.
We began to throw garbage cans at them.
We would wait for them to be alone.
We would throw stones at them.
We did all of these things because we
hated the police.
And I can remember one.
Two months later, I became the vice president
of this gang.
My name was becoming popular.
I began to go in and out of
jail.
In jail, I would say to myself, I
want to change.
But this is something that when Satan introduces
himself in such a profound way into a
person's heart, there is no human mind, no
medicine upon this earth that can heal the
sickness of the heart because the heart is
the most foolish of all things.
And I can remember that this began to
bring about repercussions.
I saw blood.
Many times I joined in that.
Many times, very sadly, I have to say
tonight, we would take boys and put them
up against the wall.
Someone would hold his head.
About five of us, we would hold just
the end of the blade.
And we would slowly drive it into the
bar.
Pull it in and out very slowly.
The eyes of that boy were wide and
big.
He was completely horrified.
And this was so that we would do
this as if it was a necessity.
It seemed to be a satisfaction.
It seemed to be a thrill.
And then as we were doing this, we
would take him.
We would take him into a dark spot,
in the cellar maybe.
There we would tie him.
We would start smoking.
We would take the lit cigarettes in our
hand.
We would burn the eyebrows.
So we would begin to burn the body.
And all these things, and many more, began
to have an effect in me so that
it was a horrible conflict going on.
It seemed like I was in a shut
world.
A world which I hated.
And in which there was no way out
for me.
I remember one night with five other boys.
We went and got drunk.
I hardly ever drank.
It was so that whenever I went to
a fight, I was completely sober and conscious.
Because this was not my philosophy.
Getting drunk so that later I would get
beat.
I went there to fight.
And I lived every minute that passed.
So I wasn't able to walk New York
in peace.
I was always on guard looking everywhere.
I was afraid that someone would stab me
in my back.
I was afraid that someone would shoot at
me.
I can remember that as we were walking,
we met this gang.
So it turned out that I was already
too drunk.
And it was hard for me to see.
And one boy began to fight.
Then the whole gang joined in.
And there was only five of us.
There was a pipe beside me.
So I grabbed it and I began to
beat left and right.
Everyone I could see and hit.
I would grab garbage cans to protect myself.
And there I was in the midst of
the battle.
But then I decided that I wanted to
get up.
I began to walk towards the boy that
was coming to me with a knife in
his hand.
But then I fell to the floor.
When I fell to the floor, well, why
should I continue to tell you?
I had a lot of hair then.
So that's why you see I have such
little bit hair.
It doesn't look the same.
They grabbed me by my hair.
They dragged me for about a block distance.
They kicked me so badly that my face
was completely swollen.
They beat me with sticks and did everything
they could to me.
And only one fellow got into the scene
with a pistol.
So they ran and he picked me up
from the floor.
And this boy's name was Israel.
There he took me.
And unconscious as I was, they took me
to my house.
I want to tell you that when I
awoke I was not able to walk.
I took a stick and I used it
as a cane.
I got to the project.
I said to the gang, tonight we are
going to fight.
Tonight we are going to take vengeance.
They all accepted.
Another gang joined us.
The Hellburns.
This gang got together and I said to
one of their fellows, you take me on
a bicycle.
I can't run.
I'm going to go into the block.
When I get into the block the first
one we see we're going to beat.
We began to walk into the neighborhood two
by two.
About 150 boys were there with me.
We began to walk in two by two.
We surrounded the whole block completely.
I had my pistol in my possession.
I said to one of the boys, you
walk with me.
I began to walk.
I was looking up through the rooftop.
I was afraid that someone might shoot at
me.
Then a fellow began to walk towards me.
He walked towards me.
I want to say that when he got
real close to me I struck him.
He fell to the floor.
Then all of the gangs began to yell
out their names.
They began to strike everyone in that area.
Boys and girls, everybody.
A policeman was standing in a corner and
he began to run.
So the fight was on.
They began to fire their revolvers.
This fellow that I had struck and was
laying on the floor about 20 or 25
gathered around him and began to kick him.
He was already unconscious.
But still they continued to beat him.
His eyes were bulging out of his head.
He was in a puddle of blood.
Do you know what was my satisfaction?
It was a diabolical satisfaction.
I took blood from the puddle and began
to rub it upon my shirt.
I began to laugh strongly.
I think that I was possessed by demons.
This is how the story began.
Fight here.
Fight there.
We would break into cars and steal them.
We would drive with them into the area
that we were going to fight in.
There, as soon as we walked out of
the car we began to shoot our revolvers.
And as we went past the shots that
we fired no one knew what was the
effect that they caused.
Later in the newspapers you could see it
in the headlines.
I remember one night I was away from
my home.
It wasn't my home.
It was a furnished room.
And the gang was looking for me.
Then two cars came with members of this
other gang.
They sat waiting for me at 8 o
'clock in the morning with three rifles in
the car.
They were waiting for me to walk out
of that building or to stick my head
out of the window because I wasn't there
that night.
But I wasn't home that night.
And that's why I believe that God protected
me because I always left there at the
same time.
I want to say that as all these
things were going on the problem kept on
getting bigger and bigger.
The suffering was much greater.
I thought that the word love did not
exist.
I thought that love was my hurting other.
This was my satisfaction.
And even my own brother I tried to
kill him three times.
One time I stole a car.
My brother accused me before the police.
They put me in jail.
There in jail I began to plan.
These plans were how I was going to
come home and take care of my brother.
I wanted to kill him.
I can remember they set me free.
I had everything planned for my brother.
As I started to walk in the door
I took my shoes off.
I tripped out into the kitchen.
I took a knife and I came close
to where my brother was at.
I pulled the sheet off of his body.
I put my hands over his mouth.
As I raised up the knife my brother
awoke.
He grabbed me.
I thought he was going to fight me.
He was hugging me.
He said, what's the matter to you?
Then I began to beat my head against
the wall.
I began to yell horribly.
It was so menacing that I almost destroyed
myself.
And there I lay unconscious in peace.
A peace which was only temporary and I
wasn't able to call peace.
It dawned and then I was again back
in the same old place.
I couldn't even sleep in peace because I
would have nightmares.
All of these things kept on adding up
and creating a tremendous conflict within me.
When brother David Wilkerson came from the country
he didn't know my language.
He didn't know the way we conducted ourselves.
I don't know but I think he came
from a very small place in the country.
He wasn't like David the psalmist but he
came from the country.
But the first impression was when he went
to court and he was thrown out.
No one knew the mystery behind this and
what it caused except the gangs themselves because
the gangs hated the police.
And I remember when I looked at the
paper and I saw him on the first
page he was there weeping but I never
in my life imagined that the same man
would come to me personally and present to
me the love of God.
When he walked into the police station there
he asked for permission.
They told him you can't go into that
territory.
No one can control that gang.
They're going to kill you.
We can't be responsible for anything.
You go, you're going to go at your
own risk.
Whatever happens you look for it.
Let me tell you everything had been planned
by the power of God because when he
came and stood on that corner there was
only another man with him.
He played the trumpet and David sang.
David forgive me but he couldn't sing too
good.
But still they gathered in the
beginning I stood there for about five minutes
I said this is not for me.
I don't believe in this kind of stuff.
So I went someplace else and there I
was with the rest of the boys and
we were talking and carrying on but then
David walked and when he walked in he
wanted to meet Israel and me.
Israel was very polite.
He's always believed that you have to use
diplomacy.
And so when David approached me to shake
my hand I struck him.
I spit at him.
I said I don't want to know anything
about God.
Go to hell.
And there angry I began to walk away
from him.
And there he pointed at me and yelled
Jesus loves you and it ended.
Then as I walked out of the door
angry was when the Holy Spirit took over.
Then those words began to spin around in
my mind.
Jesus loves you.
I wasn't able to sleep.
I couldn't even taste around still.
I was like one cigarette after the other.
Time passed by it was gone already and
here comes David with Israel in a car.
And the first thing I think Jesus loves
you.
I couldn't conceive in my heart how can
God love me?
How can these things change me?
There was a conflict in my mind and
this was how can this man expect that
I change in a minute?
Then I would look at myself in my
own imagination Nikki changed into an angel.
Nikki is very stiff.
Nikki doesn't do anything.
Nikki is a nice boy.
I couldn't conceive this.
I remember the many problems I had and
the psychiatrist that took care of me.
The court assigned the psychiatrist he was going
to take care of me and examine me
before sentencing because I had been to the
judge three times prior to this he ordered
the psychiatrist to examine me.
This psychiatrist was driving me nuts.
It was so that I couldn't even understand
him.
Eight o'clock in the morning he took
me to Bear Mountain.
There he said I'm going to psychoanalyze you
and I'm going to know what's your problem.
This problem we're going to take to court
to see if you're sane or not and
he gave me a piece of paper he
gave me a pencil then he said to
me draw what I'm going to tell you
to draw.
He said draw a tree.
So I drew a tree.
So he'd be happy I even drew a
bird on it.
Then he said draw a house.
So I drew a house.
Then he said draw a woman.
I just sat there and looked at her.
What do you think?
I don't like women?
So I'm going to draw a woman for
you.
And I drew the woman.
Then he took the paper and the pencil
from me and he just looked at me
and said something has to be going on
here.
Either you're crazy or I'm crazy.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
This man had me tired already.
Maybe because of my records in jail he
was able to know my life.
Maybe he knew all I was.
Maybe he knew everything about me but he
couldn't give me an answer.
And that answer was for the biggest illness
in me that I was a sinner that
I needed something more powerful that my need
was spiritual.
Then he took me back to his office
and he said I'm going to see if
you love your country or it is that
there is a racial conflict that you have
there's something wrong with you and you have
a racial conflict.
I'm going to take you out to sea.
And pretend that I'm with you.
And there begins to sink.
And for this ship not to sink and
all these nationalities within the ship not to
drown one has to jump into the water.
He said I'm going to do this for
Mexico.
Let me take over and say it.
So the Peruvian says I'm going to die
for Peru.
He jumped into the water.
He said well what about you?
Everybody's jumping off but you.
I said you
that are so beautiful for the rock that
you are scientists who got me
sick really
had an effect in my mind.
The first invitation he gave me for the
St. Nicholas Arena I accepted and I took
the boys with me.
And I want to tell you that as
soon as we walked in I felt nothing.
During the service I felt nothing.
So I said to him very clearly I
don't feel anything.
I can't believe in this.
This is too fast for me.
But I want to tell you that days
passed by.
I didn't go back to the service.
To the rally that he was holding was
going to end on a Saturday.
That Saturday we were supposed to go for
a fight.
We were going to fight the strongest gang
in Brooklyn.
We had been fighting this gang already for
about 15 years.
What we were thinking of was either destroying
them or they would destroy us.
That Saturday we were going to go there
at 7 o'clock.
Everything was ready and the gang was going
to wait for us there.
And then when we would get to this
place the fight would begin.
We had all kinds of weapons.
We had rifles.
We had shotguns.
We had handmade zip guns.
We had switchblades.
We had clubs with snails procruiting.
We had garrison belts We had all kinds
of weapons.
Bayonets.
Kerosene bombs.
Everything.
I want to tell you that at about
6.30 I got all nervous.
I was so nervous that I wasn't able
to resist this nervousness.
Then in my mind came the thought Tonight
I'll die.
Tonight someone's going to kill you.
Tonight is your last night.
My soul shook Then I was restless.
I said to a fellow Tonight is going
to be the last night for me.
Tonight something is going to happen to me.
I'm afraid that tonight someone's going to kill
me.
Then the fellow said to me I feel
the same way.
So then I said why don't we go
and listen to this new skinny preacher.
See what's going to happen.
So he had sent some buses.
We went.
This is the night that I want to
describe to your heart.
I'm praying that the Lord will inspire me
at this time.
To see if I can make this as
realistically as possible how it was this night.
When we walked into this place we were
smoking.
The girls were already cursing blasphemy and they
began to mess around.
They were wearing their shorts and they began
to bother everybody.
We walked in and they sat us right
up in front.
When they sat us down the songs I
noticed were tremendous.
Something was moving me.
I want to tell you that when this
began it was so precious.
Then they told me to collect the offering.
Then they said take five of the boys.
Then I got up and went right up
to the front.
There was an exit to the side.
The people were coming up to bring their
money.
The temptation was great.
I saw that door and it looked beautiful
and all I had to do was run
right out of it.
I want to say that while they were
bringing up the money we had to go
around the back so that we could give
David the offering.
Then one of the boys while he was
alone stuck his hand into the basket and
took some of the money before he was
able to put it into his pocket.
He didn't know that I was right behind
him.
I grabbed his hand and put that money
back in there.
This is going to be your cemetery right
here.
Then he put the money right back into
the basket.
I said let me see how much you've
got in your pocket.
I remember he had about $43 in his
pocket and a few cents.
I said put that money in there too.
Give it for the offering.
It began to have an impact within me.
That battle was strong and great.
In my mind the devil was putting thoughts.
Don't go up there.
You've got a lot of enemies.
Don't go up anymore.
You're real good in with them.
Then the Holy Spirit was there also.
Jesus loves you.
I wasn't able to resist it so I
walked up to the altar.
While I was kneeling there at the altar
I didn't know how to pray.
I didn't even know how to talk.
There while I was kneeling I was looking
up towards the ceiling.
I said there is no hope.
I don't think I can change.
I can't believe that a miracle is going
to happen.
Wilkerson came downstairs and he began to pray
with me.
Then I saw a picture I could see
my life from the age of about eight.
The condition in my home the things that
happened to me in the garden.
The problems that had happened my friends dying
in my own arms.
I want to tell you that right there
the boys were around me and they came
for me to weep and I couldn't resist
myself.
My chest was wide and pained.
I wasn't able to breathe.
I knew something was happening.
I wanted to control myself.
I didn't want to shed tears.
I didn't want to weep.
But I want to say that the burden
was so and sin was so heavy that
I wasn't able to do anything else but
to weep and cry out for God and
say God if you are the truth that
what this creature is saying that
even within my belly I
could feel as hard
as rock.
The heart that had no son the Holy
Spirit took it from me.
And they're still there.
Hallelujah.
You need the same cleansing power.